Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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