READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
her facebook's as public as her vagina
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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