The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
