He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
