First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
