and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize