I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no, he came in my armpit
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
