your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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