my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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