i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
