Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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