If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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