today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
