If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
