I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
