The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
