Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
