I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
