One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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