well I can't set my house on fire every night
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
