so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
