How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
