I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
