It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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