Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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