actually, I'm a sock model
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
