I showed him my bush... on skype.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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