it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
