I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
