No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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