Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
