no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
