my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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