Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize