i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
two words: eviction party
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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