my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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