So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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