I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
