Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were trust falling into bushes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
