Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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