now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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