My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
