That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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