It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
FUCK WHALES
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
