take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
