No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
please come you make the beer taste better
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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