I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He did a backflip because drugs
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize