dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
