My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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