Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
