My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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