Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
