Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
my liver is dry heaving
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
