i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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