your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
