good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
