Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
