I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
