So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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