Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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