I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
