gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
